It’s Crucial People, It’s Crucial.

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Origami Esher

Origami Esher (Photo credit: MightyBoyBrian)

So, I’m sitting here at my little minimum wage dealio, thinking this is SUCH a waste of time. I almost want to Jedi mind trick  on these employers on jobs I’ve had my eye on. To wave mysteriously in their line of sight saying in a hypnotizing lull “You will hire me, you will give me the flexible schedule I need, and you will start me off at what I’m worth in potential. ” What about that memory eraser contraption thingy on the movie M I B, Will Smith gets to carry around? A tremor and a flash, then all of a sudden you just tell the person the reality you want them to assume. Here’s another one for ya: The girl on X Men that has the power of persuasion. How flippin awesome would it be to walk in a place and deliver a new idea to the CEO of your choice, shake their hand and have a prestigious job at a hugely successful and organized company. I want instant Gratification people! I’m tired of the cheesy questionnaire that you lie your ass of in. Do they really think I’m going to answer completely honestly? I’m just keeping the kitty warm people.

Its crucial people, its crucial.

Dear Planet That Supports Life,

I don’t need a huge fancy house, Id rather just be comfortable. I don’t want to take over the world, just my small part of it to manage. I don’t need a prince charming, only a gentleman who adores me. I don’t need a thousand acquaintances, just a few friends with good connections.

Does anybody hear me out there? (echo…echo…echo….)

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The Ugly Stick

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day 35 - Hey!

day 35 – Hey! (Photo credit: JudeanPeoplesFront)

During my third trimester with my first daughter Av, I had a horrible nightmare. Not frightening on a predatory level, but on the basis of vanity. I had dreamt that my daughter was a baby boy instead of a little girl. The boy was utterly hideous. Huge birth-mark and facial deformity, the works. I was terrified that my sweet bundle of joy was going to be an ugly baby. Yet, in the dream I was immensely proud of my little monster.

Now, it just so happens that Av turned out to be a beautiful baby, and now gorgeous child. But, for the last few weeks of my pregnancy I was so scared that she was going to be a beastly character. The first thing that flew out of my mouth during a cesarean induced coma was ” IsSs she pretty? “. I think my mother was mortified that I didn’t ask if she was healthy first, but I already knew she would be,and I was severely scarred from that horrid nightmare! After such a guff question I settled down and kissed my new infant, and was in a world of relief, not only for my sake but her’s as well. No parent wants to photo-shop birth announcement pictures or cover their newborn up while at the grocery store.

Something that secretly makes me feel as terrible as wanting to kick a midget (see: Not For The Faint Of Heart) , is when I feel guilty for thinking someone else’s child is homely or SO ugly they are “cute”. Its so unrefined. I just avoid the parents of the unsightly child all-together. I think to myself, ‘hands down, my kids are way better looking’.

Ow now, C’mon! Don’t lie, you inadvertently agree. Now, if you are a parent to an un-becoming child, it IS possible for  kids to grow out of the repelling mishap. I have seen it happen, its not completely impossible. The ugly stick might not always smack down for the rest of their life. There is a minuscule chance they can overcome it, in time.

You may have a ugly kid if :

  • There is no inflection in Grandma’s voice when she holds the little gremlin for the first time, and then immediately asks how long you were in labor.
  • Strangers whisper and look away quickly when you sense eyes staring in your direction while in public.
  • You dont bother to dress the baby up, because it doesn’t help.
  • People refer to your little one as “sweet”, “precious” or say politely “well, aren’t you something”
  • Friends with dazzling offspring will divert attention away from looks and say, “look at these tiny little toes!”
  • Other kids hide under a chair when you visit.

I don’t doubt that there are parents who are well aware that their youngsters are grisly. My heart goes out to them, truly. My only hope is that these adolescents grow up with phenominal interpersonal skills and a great personality. The ugly stick is just another hurdle in life. At least people who are dull at best have people in their lives who are not shallow or superficial. How many grotesque people in the world are amazingly successful? It takes all kinds, it takes ALL kinds….

Not For The Faint Of Heart

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English: Laze Eye Guys on the "Lazy Eyes&...

English: Laze Eye Guys on the “Lazy Eyes” card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever felt like a horrible person? Not purposefully of course, but in those moments you want to stick your head in the sand because you’ve said something totally off-color. This happens to me more often than I’d like to admit and it has me wondering if I am completely un-ethical. Due to the nature that I posses, truly caring about how I affect someones emotions or feelings, I’m just going to get it out right here and now. This action in turn may safeguard future up-chucks of rudeness I really don’t mean to say.

The lethargic eye. Lets not personify this body part like it actually has a choice in the matter. I don’t understand why people choose to call it a “lazy eye”  people’s eyes don’t just call out on a rainy day and say ” oh good golly,  gee whiz, It’s a great day to hang around and be lazy, I don’t feel like working today.” The Medial Rectus didn’t smoke a doobie and saunter around the house with Cheesy Poof residue on its fingers. The proper title for those of you who are too lazy to google-it or have never wondered, is called amblyopia or strabismus. Some may be confused on which eye to focus on when in conversation. ( I have a really hard time with this because its hard to take the person seriously when you yourself can’t concentrate on anything other than the fact that this persons eyes keeps wondering … farther and farther …. and farther.) In my experience, because there are totally awesome people in my life who do have a similar condition, I do my best to figure out which eye likes to stay put and looks back at you. The one that likes to run away on em’ prolly doesn’t capture much.  If they have two lazy eyes, well you either look down like you are ashamed for them or you pick a spot in the middle.

The lackadaisical tongue. Again with the lazy thing, another member of the body with lack of motivation!  Its like the person crunches a 44 ounce cup of crushed ice and tried to speak the alphabet backwards! Is that drool? Really dude? I used to have a slight slur when I was drinking once.  I think there’s actually tongue aerobics that can be done do to correct this issue, but I could be wrong.

What about vertically challenged individuals? Midgets im sorry, plain creep me out. There was a “little person” at my highschool and I was always freaked out he was looking up my skirt when I walked by him in the hallways. Perv midget.  Not only was he height deprived, but his backpack was just about bigger than him. Its like putting a backpack on a toddler full of canned goods. You just know eventually they are going to topple over. I’ve always had this insane hankering to kick one like a rubber ball on a baseball field.  I’m terrible. I deserve to not live. It’s gotta stink twice as bad when people fart when they are close by, releasing a cloud of dust and poisonous gas. I think it might actually create a film of toxins in their hair.

Okay, okay.  Now I’ve got to pick on myself to justify this erratic blog. I’m insanely sure there is something wrong with me… let me think. Nope, nothing comes to mind, but I might be a bit quirky so ill share some eyebrow perkers. I can’t tell jokes for the life of me in a social situation, my mind goes completely scrambled and the people listening do not laugh a bit. I end up saying a bunch of ‘uhhhhssss’ and ‘oh yeas’. Then I will blurt out the punchline first and ruin the whole joke. It may seem harmless enough, but after a few corny attempts, people just stop listening to me period. Then I am talking to my own akward self in a circle full of people actually interested in one another and me, not so much. Talk about feeling like a complete looser. Pretty soon im babbling in third person in a completely monotone voice thinking to myself  ‘I could say anything now and absolutely no one would catch on. Well I guess that is my que to exit the elite circle of “cool kids” and enter the geek squad click at this gathering. I’m better off with the star wars nerds and origami experts. At least THEY can teach me something I don’t know.

I can’t ride a bike. Yes, laugh it up, I’m a Lame-o. I didn’t get on one since I was five untill I was a pre-teen, and then when I did it wasnt pretty. I’m scarred okay! A blubbering idiot on a bike! It’s a hard seat jammed right up places it doesn’t need to be and my achilles gets scraped up by the spokes. Riding a bike is worse than bottoms full of sand at the beach. I was never cool enough to pull off the stand/pedal maneuver thingy either. How do you all do it?!? Its looks so awesome, I wish I was that poised. I’ve given up, you can have your bicycle fun, count me out.

Balloons all but throw me into a panick attack and another thing that freaks me out is E.T (yes the movie) that stands for Extra Terrestrial, I know, because my best friend Katie growing up, had this frightening stuffed E.T doll she liked to torture me with. I abhor E.T. What kind of name is Elliot anyway? My uncle had this friend when I was 14 and 15 that gave me the heebie jeebies. Weirdo. There’s something about a friendly alien with carpel tunnel, that stimulates alarm and adrenaline, which even after two kids causes me to run and hide underneath the covers.

Before I offend someone and they get all up in my Kool-Aid about being judgmental, I will say this. Everyone is judgmental. There I said it. The first time you meet someone they have 7 seconds in your subconscious to make a good impression. What you do with that judgment dictates what kind of person you are. I soundly understand that our creator took the time to mold each one of us into the person to best suit his kingdom. That being said, this article is not for the faint of heart.

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Blooper badges

Blooper badges (Photo credit: antiuser)

I’m sitting down on my break and my boss is having a heated discussion about some missing paperwork or something or the other, with a co-worker from the building across the street. ( the two buildings are an interconnected organization). As I watch the other lady try her hardest to be professional with fake eyelashes and costume jewelry on, I notice her fly is totally down.

This just kills me because the girl was such a mis-fired priss. Oblivious to the nature of her attire, she continues to babble on about the subject at hand.  This gave me such an incentive to mention “hey lady, gravity nabbed your zipper”. How do you tell a complete stranger something embarrassing is happening to them and they don’t know it?

Shes probably going to go powder her nose and realize all the people she thought were her friends at work let her walk around half the day with her skivvies showing. I Probably should have said something, but she was all worked up, and I had a small satisfaction within myself for knowing something she didn’t.

My grandmothers current husband has this thing about letting his crack show. I don’t say anything to him about it, he probably is well aware, and suspenders are just an extra step his feeble self can’t engage. I mean the guy is almost eighty, how many decades has he been walking around showing his ass? He  Most likely is  about to kick the bucket. If I were that old, Id be a deflated crabby mess, scarring little children too. I guess there’s a point in life that puts a screeching halt into caring what other people think about you.

Another predicament… Stray mucus that’s dried. How do you address a person with a huge booger dangling from their schnoz to their top lip.  “You got a little morsel there you might want to get”, trying to be non nonchalant, with a gesture towards your own smeller. You run the risk of watching them pluck it, nose hairs detached with, immediately going into rolling a booger ball in between their thumb and index finger. They might be saving it for later, a salty snack.  Eh, boogers are thoughts that drip from your brain anyhow, no big deal.

There should be a manual for all of us innocent bystanders who just want to help! Either way, your obliging the focal point of a blooper, no matter how subtle.To say Something or not to say something? Next time someone tells me I’ve got spinach in my teeth, I think ill print out an award and shake their hand for being nice enough to swallow the awkwardness  ” uh, you’ve uh,  got something there, in your teeth”.

To Say Something, Or Not To Say Something

Nanner-Nanner Boo-Boo

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Kraken

Kraken (Photo credit: jdreng)

One of the most superb things in life is getting a satisfying result when attempting to frighten someone. I might be terrible , but nothing comes close to the deep throaty howl I let out, when I do just that. You try your hardest to keep your laughter in, your hands clam up and sweat, your very own heart races in the thrill of the hunt. So what is the best way to feed this desirous Kraken of a monster? Unfortunately my most innocent dove of a co-worker was harmed in the making of this blog.

I like to make sure my victim is in a lull, a daydream perhaps, following his prudent schedule, as he putters around fulfilling routinely duties. He’s relaxed, and hell, he will never know what hit him till it does. Ba haha ha-ha ha!

Your victim must be on auto-pilot! You don’t need to invest much time and energy on this, the best scares are out of spontaneity. Creep up real close behind the person as they are popping their heat n eat in the microwave at work, position yourself to where they can’t see ya. Creep up real close, real slowly. Put your face as close as you can, almost so close you could kiss their cheek, stare at them with wild savage eyes and when  they look up in their walking slumber, don’t say anything, be only fiercely animated. They will just about shriek their hair off, stumbling backwards, not knowing what hit them.

Another one of my faves is when someone thinks they are completely alone at home. The element of surprise is when they are self consumed in the mirror, singing at the top of their lungs, or vacuuming. Remaining obsolete is the key. Make sure they didn’t hear you come in the door. Try an alternate route to get inside the operation. Crawl of the floor army style if need be. The reaction is SO worth it. At this point assuming your prairie mouse is groveling away at daily activity, swoop in abruptly and demand in a loud warrior’s voice “WHAT are you doing?” Putting your inflection and emphasis on the first word  “what”. At this point you can crack up and drink the sweet nectar of victory because they all but knocked you out from alarm and humiliation.

The only reason if feel I must report this huge success, is because many have prevailed over me at one point or another. On each of my detailed examples here the person ended up laughing and admitted I was the lord and master of my craft. Ultimately I’ve had an awesome day. Being horribly ornery pays off sometimes, and using it to petrify your comrades can turn any bad morning into a great afternoon.

Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

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We’ve all had days that had us lying in bed, left down and out, with our wheels spinning. We bang our heads against the wall, reminisce about good times, wondering what makes us do the things we do. I was once eighteen with the world at my feet, grabbing life by its horns. Does it really take trial to appreciate peace and happiness?

How do you take back your charisma and drive on after going through tough times? You can start by forgiving yourself and see yourself the way your creator does! We all fall short! Get rid of the grime and don’t let the past be a hindrance to your future decisions. Listen to the people that are apart of your Agape Posse . They know you the best and have a better perspective, they ultimately want to see you succeed happily. Take a poll, try to heed the advice with discernment and direction.

Do something about it! Figure out whats holding you back (or who) and cut your losses. Make a list of short term goals, jot them down. They don’t count if you don’t write them out. Even if its just a scribble, its locked into your psyche. These scrawls are a mini blueprint to how you intend on getting yourself outta the mud.

Whats your next step? Do research on the best way to go about achieving your goals. Talk to people, rub shoulders with those you admire, in your field of interest. Volunteering is a great way to meet new people who have connections and resources to the things you need to get going. You might be doing free labor but if you can really get into helping others, you feel like a generous and caring person, and that my friend can do wonders for your confidence boost.

Don’t sabotage! Okay so now you’ve got your balance and you feel like you can relax and enjoy the fruit of your labor. Don’t get scarred when something big happens. Handle up! Sometimes there is risk involved, gray area where you don’t know which way to go and you have to take a leap of faith.

Always be prepared. I had a teacher once tell me that two is one and one is none. That might sound confusing but let me elucidate a tad-bit further. You have this awesome new camera with freshly charged batteries. You’re good to go right? I wouldn’t bet on it. Reason being is, say you go on an all day trip to the Grand Canyon and your trigger happy all day just skipping around waiting for some endangered bird to fly by. Sunset finally hits, and you hear that ominous sound.Your camera goes dead with a sweet little chirp. AHHHH! You completely missed the premier appearance that you will most likely not have the chance to see again for some time. But I say all that to say this: If you had a back up plan for your dead batteries you would have captured the exquisite sunset. Catch my drift?

Always remember, Mama said there’s be days like this. Whether that day lasts a single rotation on earths axis, or for a season, keep in mind that obstacles are simply apart of existence. There are always solutions to any problem.

Never Too Old For A Sleep-Over

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So you’ve finally found a babysitter for the first time in weeks or maybe even months, what to do now? Getting schedules to collaborate, when you have a mountain of responsibilities, is about as occurring as a solar eclipse. Chances are one or two of your girlfriends are already nixed from the get-go due to husbands, jobs or rug-rats. How do you have a fun night out but also maintain your healthy and mindful lifestyle?

First off, pat yourself on the back for wading through the worldly views and not succumbing to what is trending in the party scene. Dancing is an amazing workout and the music is fun, but when you add intoxicated lust-full men and women who are in the forte of being sleazy, your married friends are more worried about how they are going to explain to their husbands waiting at home with the kids where they went and what happened. To avoid this all together would be ideal, especially if a friend is struggling ( like most) in their relationship as it is.

Try staging a place that has no kids, like your single friend’s apartment, and turn it into the luau or a theme based get together you’ve always wanted to throw. Some Christmas lights set up indoors, a few flower leis, and a medley of Jason Mraz, Jack Johnson and Jimmy Buffet, puts you smack dab in the middle of paradise. Mix some margaritas  or blend some Pina Coladas. If you don’t drink, grab some chocolate covered strawberries and pineapple, or something decadent that makes a woman feel like shes treating herself, and dang proud of it. Relax ! Now is not the time to be thinking about the piles of laundry you need to fold. Have the girls who are attending bring extra things they don’t use or need such as shoes, purses, movies, etc. to swap goodies. Its like hitting the jackpot!

Use your imagination! What are some things you’ve never done but always wanted to try? What about that sleek, sexy, red Mustang you picture yourself in, if life was like a Walgreen’s commercial? Go for a test drive! All you need is a valid drivers licence to take it for a spin! Most car lots are open late. Being creative leads to the fondest memories.

In my opinion, you are NEVER too old for a good sleep-over. The stories, the makeovers, it just gets more convivial with age! You can even grab your tents and camp-out in the back yard with some flashlights, water balloons and squirt guns. Do not feel guilty for being lively and vibrant without your children. Teach your children that treasuring yourself and having a blast once in a while is healthy.

Getting together with the girls might take some planning, but it is definitely worth while and revitalizing. Good, clean fun is gratifying, from this point on you can be well esteemed the “morning after”. Your friends will thank you and who knows, it could be the start of a new memoir.