Monthly Archives: August 2012

It’s Crucial People, It’s Crucial.

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Origami Esher

Origami Esher (Photo credit: MightyBoyBrian)

So, I’m sitting here at my little minimum wage dealio, thinking this is SUCH a waste of time. I almost want to Jedi mind trick  on these employers on jobs I’ve had my eye on. To wave mysteriously in their line of sight saying in a hypnotizing lull “You will hire me, you will give me the flexible schedule I need, and you will start me off at what I’m worth in potential. ” What about that memory eraser contraption thingy on the movie M I B, Will Smith gets to carry around? A tremor and a flash, then all of a sudden you just tell the person the reality you want them to assume. Here’s another one for ya: The girl on X Men that has the power of persuasion. How flippin awesome would it be to walk in a place and deliver a new idea to the CEO of your choice, shake their hand and have a prestigious job at a hugely successful and organized company. I want instant Gratification people! I’m tired of the cheesy questionnaire that you lie your ass of in. Do they really think I’m going to answer completely honestly? I’m just keeping the kitty warm people.

Its crucial people, its crucial.

Dear Planet That Supports Life,

I don’t need a huge fancy house, Id rather just be comfortable. I don’t want to take over the world, just my small part of it to manage. I don’t need a prince charming, only a gentleman who adores me. I don’t need a thousand acquaintances, just a few friends with good connections.

Does anybody hear me out there? (echo…echo…echo….)

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The Ugly Stick

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day 35 - Hey!

day 35 – Hey! (Photo credit: JudeanPeoplesFront)

During my third trimester with my first daughter Av, I had a horrible nightmare. Not frightening on a predatory level, but on the basis of vanity. I had dreamt that my daughter was a baby boy instead of a little girl. The boy was utterly hideous. Huge birth-mark and facial deformity, the works. I was terrified that my sweet bundle of joy was going to be an ugly baby. Yet, in the dream I was immensely proud of my little monster.

Now, it just so happens that Av turned out to be a beautiful baby, and now gorgeous child. But, for the last few weeks of my pregnancy I was so scared that she was going to be a beastly character. The first thing that flew out of my mouth during a cesarean induced coma was ” IsSs she pretty? “. I think my mother was mortified that I didn’t ask if she was healthy first, but I already knew she would be,and I was severely scarred from that horrid nightmare! After such a guff question I settled down and kissed my new infant, and was in a world of relief, not only for my sake but her’s as well. No parent wants to photo-shop birth announcement pictures or cover their newborn up while at the grocery store.

Something that secretly makes me feel as terrible as wanting to kick a midget (see: Not For The Faint Of Heart) , is when I feel guilty for thinking someone else’s child is homely or SO ugly they are “cute”. Its so unrefined. I just avoid the parents of the unsightly child all-together. I think to myself, ‘hands down, my kids are way better looking’.

Ow now, C’mon! Don’t lie, you inadvertently agree. Now, if you are a parent to an un-becoming child, it IS possible for  kids to grow out of the repelling mishap. I have seen it happen, its not completely impossible. The ugly stick might not always smack down for the rest of their life. There is a minuscule chance they can overcome it, in time.

You may have a ugly kid if :

  • There is no inflection in Grandma’s voice when she holds the little gremlin for the first time, and then immediately asks how long you were in labor.
  • Strangers whisper and look away quickly when you sense eyes staring in your direction while in public.
  • You dont bother to dress the baby up, because it doesn’t help.
  • People refer to your little one as “sweet”, “precious” or say politely “well, aren’t you something”
  • Friends with dazzling offspring will divert attention away from looks and say, “look at these tiny little toes!”
  • Other kids hide under a chair when you visit.

I don’t doubt that there are parents who are well aware that their youngsters are grisly. My heart goes out to them, truly. My only hope is that these adolescents grow up with phenominal interpersonal skills and a great personality. The ugly stick is just another hurdle in life. At least people who are dull at best have people in their lives who are not shallow or superficial. How many grotesque people in the world are amazingly successful? It takes all kinds, it takes ALL kinds….

Not For The Faint Of Heart

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English: Laze Eye Guys on the "Lazy Eyes&...

English: Laze Eye Guys on the “Lazy Eyes” card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever felt like a horrible person? Not purposefully of course, but in those moments you want to stick your head in the sand because you’ve said something totally off-color. This happens to me more often than I’d like to admit and it has me wondering if I am completely un-ethical. Due to the nature that I posses, truly caring about how I affect someones emotions or feelings, I’m just going to get it out right here and now. This action in turn may safeguard future up-chucks of rudeness I really don’t mean to say.

The lethargic eye. Lets not personify this body part like it actually has a choice in the matter. I don’t understand why people choose to call it a “lazy eye”  people’s eyes don’t just call out on a rainy day and say ” oh good golly,  gee whiz, It’s a great day to hang around and be lazy, I don’t feel like working today.” The Medial Rectus didn’t smoke a doobie and saunter around the house with Cheesy Poof residue on its fingers. The proper title for those of you who are too lazy to google-it or have never wondered, is called amblyopia or strabismus. Some may be confused on which eye to focus on when in conversation. ( I have a really hard time with this because its hard to take the person seriously when you yourself can’t concentrate on anything other than the fact that this persons eyes keeps wondering … farther and farther …. and farther.) In my experience, because there are totally awesome people in my life who do have a similar condition, I do my best to figure out which eye likes to stay put and looks back at you. The one that likes to run away on em’ prolly doesn’t capture much.  If they have two lazy eyes, well you either look down like you are ashamed for them or you pick a spot in the middle.

The lackadaisical tongue. Again with the lazy thing, another member of the body with lack of motivation!  Its like the person crunches a 44 ounce cup of crushed ice and tried to speak the alphabet backwards! Is that drool? Really dude? I used to have a slight slur when I was drinking once.  I think there’s actually tongue aerobics that can be done do to correct this issue, but I could be wrong.

What about vertically challenged individuals? Midgets im sorry, plain creep me out. There was a “little person” at my highschool and I was always freaked out he was looking up my skirt when I walked by him in the hallways. Perv midget.  Not only was he height deprived, but his backpack was just about bigger than him. Its like putting a backpack on a toddler full of canned goods. You just know eventually they are going to topple over. I’ve always had this insane hankering to kick one like a rubber ball on a baseball field.  I’m terrible. I deserve to not live. It’s gotta stink twice as bad when people fart when they are close by, releasing a cloud of dust and poisonous gas. I think it might actually create a film of toxins in their hair.

Okay, okay.  Now I’ve got to pick on myself to justify this erratic blog. I’m insanely sure there is something wrong with me… let me think. Nope, nothing comes to mind, but I might be a bit quirky so ill share some eyebrow perkers. I can’t tell jokes for the life of me in a social situation, my mind goes completely scrambled and the people listening do not laugh a bit. I end up saying a bunch of ‘uhhhhssss’ and ‘oh yeas’. Then I will blurt out the punchline first and ruin the whole joke. It may seem harmless enough, but after a few corny attempts, people just stop listening to me period. Then I am talking to my own akward self in a circle full of people actually interested in one another and me, not so much. Talk about feeling like a complete looser. Pretty soon im babbling in third person in a completely monotone voice thinking to myself  ‘I could say anything now and absolutely no one would catch on. Well I guess that is my que to exit the elite circle of “cool kids” and enter the geek squad click at this gathering. I’m better off with the star wars nerds and origami experts. At least THEY can teach me something I don’t know.

I can’t ride a bike. Yes, laugh it up, I’m a Lame-o. I didn’t get on one since I was five untill I was a pre-teen, and then when I did it wasnt pretty. I’m scarred okay! A blubbering idiot on a bike! It’s a hard seat jammed right up places it doesn’t need to be and my achilles gets scraped up by the spokes. Riding a bike is worse than bottoms full of sand at the beach. I was never cool enough to pull off the stand/pedal maneuver thingy either. How do you all do it?!? Its looks so awesome, I wish I was that poised. I’ve given up, you can have your bicycle fun, count me out.

Balloons all but throw me into a panick attack and another thing that freaks me out is E.T (yes the movie) that stands for Extra Terrestrial, I know, because my best friend Katie growing up, had this frightening stuffed E.T doll she liked to torture me with. I abhor E.T. What kind of name is Elliot anyway? My uncle had this friend when I was 14 and 15 that gave me the heebie jeebies. Weirdo. There’s something about a friendly alien with carpel tunnel, that stimulates alarm and adrenaline, which even after two kids causes me to run and hide underneath the covers.

Before I offend someone and they get all up in my Kool-Aid about being judgmental, I will say this. Everyone is judgmental. There I said it. The first time you meet someone they have 7 seconds in your subconscious to make a good impression. What you do with that judgment dictates what kind of person you are. I soundly understand that our creator took the time to mold each one of us into the person to best suit his kingdom. That being said, this article is not for the faint of heart.