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Kraken (Photo credit: jdreng)

One of the most superb things in life is getting a satisfying result when attempting to frighten someone. I might be terrible , but nothing comes close to the deep throaty howl I let out, when I do just that. You try your hardest to keep your laughter in, your hands clam up and sweat, your very own heart races in the thrill of the hunt. So what is the best way to feed this desirous Kraken of a monster? Unfortunately my most innocent dove of a co-worker was harmed in the making of this blog.

I like to make sure my victim is in a lull, a daydream perhaps, following his prudent schedule, as he putters around fulfilling routinely duties. He’s relaxed, and hell, he will never know what hit him till it does. Ba haha ha-ha ha!

Your victim must be on auto-pilot! You don’t need to invest much time and energy on this, the best scares are out of spontaneity. Creep up real close behind the person as they are popping their heat n eat in the microwave at work, position yourself to where they can’t see ya. Creep up real close, real slowly. Put your face as close as you can, almost so close you could kiss their cheek, stare at them with wild savage eyes and when  they look up in their walking slumber, don’t say anything, be only fiercely animated. They will just about shriek their hair off, stumbling backwards, not knowing what hit them.

Another one of my faves is when someone thinks they are completely alone at home. The element of surprise is when they are self consumed in the mirror, singing at the top of their lungs, or vacuuming. Remaining obsolete is the key. Make sure they didn’t hear you come in the door. Try an alternate route to get inside the operation. Crawl of the floor army style if need be. The reaction is SO worth it. At this point assuming your prairie mouse is groveling away at daily activity, swoop in abruptly and demand in a loud warrior’s voice “WHAT are you doing?” Putting your inflection and emphasis on the first word  “what”. At this point you can crack up and drink the sweet nectar of victory because they all but knocked you out from alarm and humiliation.

The only reason if feel I must report this huge success, is because many have prevailed over me at one point or another. On each of my detailed examples here the person ended up laughing and admitted I was the lord and master of my craft. Ultimately I’ve had an awesome day. Being horribly ornery pays off sometimes, and using it to petrify your comrades can turn any bad morning into a great afternoon.