Tag Archives: Totally Awesome

Not For The Faint Of Heart

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English: Laze Eye Guys on the "Lazy Eyes&...

English: Laze Eye Guys on the “Lazy Eyes” card (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Have you ever felt like a horrible person? Not purposefully of course, but in those moments you want to stick your head in the sand because you’ve said something totally off-color. This happens to me more often than I’d like to admit and it has me wondering if I am completely un-ethical. Due to the nature that I posses, truly caring about how I affect someones emotions or feelings, I’m just going to get it out right here and now. This action in turn may safeguard future up-chucks of rudeness I really don’t mean to say.

The lethargic eye. Lets not personify this body part like it actually has a choice in the matter. I don’t understand why people choose to call it a “lazy eye”  people’s eyes don’t just call out on a rainy day and say ” oh good golly,  gee whiz, It’s a great day to hang around and be lazy, I don’t feel like working today.” The Medial Rectus didn’t smoke a doobie and saunter around the house with Cheesy Poof residue on its fingers. The proper title for those of you who are too lazy to google-it or have never wondered, is called amblyopia or strabismus. Some may be confused on which eye to focus on when in conversation. ( I have a really hard time with this because its hard to take the person seriously when you yourself can’t concentrate on anything other than the fact that this persons eyes keeps wondering … farther and farther …. and farther.) In my experience, because there are totally awesome people in my life who do have a similar condition, I do my best to figure out which eye likes to stay put and looks back at you. The one that likes to run away on em’ prolly doesn’t capture much.  If they have two lazy eyes, well you either look down like you are ashamed for them or you pick a spot in the middle.

The lackadaisical tongue. Again with the lazy thing, another member of the body with lack of motivation!  Its like the person crunches a 44 ounce cup of crushed ice and tried to speak the alphabet backwards! Is that drool? Really dude? I used to have a slight slur when I was drinking once.  I think there’s actually tongue aerobics that can be done do to correct this issue, but I could be wrong.

What about vertically challenged individuals? Midgets im sorry, plain creep me out. There was a “little person” at my highschool and I was always freaked out he was looking up my skirt when I walked by him in the hallways. Perv midget.  Not only was he height deprived, but his backpack was just about bigger than him. Its like putting a backpack on a toddler full of canned goods. You just know eventually they are going to topple over. I’ve always had this insane hankering to kick one like a rubber ball on a baseball field.  I’m terrible. I deserve to not live. It’s gotta stink twice as bad when people fart when they are close by, releasing a cloud of dust and poisonous gas. I think it might actually create a film of toxins in their hair.

Okay, okay.  Now I’ve got to pick on myself to justify this erratic blog. I’m insanely sure there is something wrong with me… let me think. Nope, nothing comes to mind, but I might be a bit quirky so ill share some eyebrow perkers. I can’t tell jokes for the life of me in a social situation, my mind goes completely scrambled and the people listening do not laugh a bit. I end up saying a bunch of ‘uhhhhssss’ and ‘oh yeas’. Then I will blurt out the punchline first and ruin the whole joke. It may seem harmless enough, but after a few corny attempts, people just stop listening to me period. Then I am talking to my own akward self in a circle full of people actually interested in one another and me, not so much. Talk about feeling like a complete looser. Pretty soon im babbling in third person in a completely monotone voice thinking to myself  ‘I could say anything now and absolutely no one would catch on. Well I guess that is my que to exit the elite circle of “cool kids” and enter the geek squad click at this gathering. I’m better off with the star wars nerds and origami experts. At least THEY can teach me something I don’t know.

I can’t ride a bike. Yes, laugh it up, I’m a Lame-o. I didn’t get on one since I was five untill I was a pre-teen, and then when I did it wasnt pretty. I’m scarred okay! A blubbering idiot on a bike! It’s a hard seat jammed right up places it doesn’t need to be and my achilles gets scraped up by the spokes. Riding a bike is worse than bottoms full of sand at the beach. I was never cool enough to pull off the stand/pedal maneuver thingy either. How do you all do it?!? Its looks so awesome, I wish I was that poised. I’ve given up, you can have your bicycle fun, count me out.

Balloons all but throw me into a panick attack and another thing that freaks me out is E.T (yes the movie) that stands for Extra Terrestrial, I know, because my best friend Katie growing up, had this frightening stuffed E.T doll she liked to torture me with. I abhor E.T. What kind of name is Elliot anyway? My uncle had this friend when I was 14 and 15 that gave me the heebie jeebies. Weirdo. There’s something about a friendly alien with carpel tunnel, that stimulates alarm and adrenaline, which even after two kids causes me to run and hide underneath the covers.

Before I offend someone and they get all up in my Kool-Aid about being judgmental, I will say this. Everyone is judgmental. There I said it. The first time you meet someone they have 7 seconds in your subconscious to make a good impression. What you do with that judgment dictates what kind of person you are. I soundly understand that our creator took the time to mold each one of us into the person to best suit his kingdom. That being said, this article is not for the faint of heart.

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Blooper badges

Blooper badges (Photo credit: antiuser)

I’m sitting down on my break and my boss is having a heated discussion about some missing paperwork or something or the other, with a co-worker from the building across the street. ( the two buildings are an interconnected organization). As I watch the other lady try her hardest to be professional with fake eyelashes and costume jewelry on, I notice her fly is totally down.

This just kills me because the girl was such a mis-fired priss. Oblivious to the nature of her attire, she continues to babble on about the subject at hand.  This gave me such an incentive to mention “hey lady, gravity nabbed your zipper”. How do you tell a complete stranger something embarrassing is happening to them and they don’t know it?

Shes probably going to go powder her nose and realize all the people she thought were her friends at work let her walk around half the day with her skivvies showing. I Probably should have said something, but she was all worked up, and I had a small satisfaction within myself for knowing something she didn’t.

My grandmothers current husband has this thing about letting his crack show. I don’t say anything to him about it, he probably is well aware, and suspenders are just an extra step his feeble self can’t engage. I mean the guy is almost eighty, how many decades has he been walking around showing his ass? He  Most likely is  about to kick the bucket. If I were that old, Id be a deflated crabby mess, scarring little children too. I guess there’s a point in life that puts a screeching halt into caring what other people think about you.

Another predicament… Stray mucus that’s dried. How do you address a person with a huge booger dangling from their schnoz to their top lip.  “You got a little morsel there you might want to get”, trying to be non nonchalant, with a gesture towards your own smeller. You run the risk of watching them pluck it, nose hairs detached with, immediately going into rolling a booger ball in between their thumb and index finger. They might be saving it for later, a salty snack.  Eh, boogers are thoughts that drip from your brain anyhow, no big deal.

There should be a manual for all of us innocent bystanders who just want to help! Either way, your obliging the focal point of a blooper, no matter how subtle.To say Something or not to say something? Next time someone tells me I’ve got spinach in my teeth, I think ill print out an award and shake their hand for being nice enough to swallow the awkwardness  ” uh, you’ve uh,  got something there, in your teeth”.

To Say Something, Or Not To Say Something